“What would you like for Father’s Day?” 

I’ve heard that question each year since June of 1993. Usually, Dena asks me because the kids are going to ask her. If I remember right, my first Father’s Day gift was a fly-fishing rod. I don’t use it much now, but it sure got a workout during our years in western North Carolina. From there, fly fishing equipment dominated the gift list. More recently, my answer to that annual question usually includes new books or a steak dinner. 

Father’s Day: A History

Father’s Day gifts had humble beginnings. In 1910, attendees to the first Father’s Day celebration in Spokane, WA, received a red rose during a church worship service. 

The gifts we give have changed over time. Pipe tobacco, aftershave, and neckties gained popularity in the 1920s and ‘30s after President Coolidge encouraged its nationwide observance in 1924. In the 1980s, whiskey became a more common gift—though I’m sure this newcomer didn’t replace red roses in Baptist churches. Electronics gained popularity in the 90s while shared experiences like concerts, day trips, and vacations top the list today.

We will spend $13 billion on our fathers this June. That number is not bad, considering it’s only been a national holiday since 1972. Most of that coin will be spent on gift cards, with a good portion going to shiny new drones. And even though we spend more on dads today than we did in 1910, we still spend 38% less on dads than we do our moms. 

The Best Father’s Day Gift

I’ve received some pretty cool Father’s Day gifts over the years. But something happened recently that helped me reframe Father’s Day gifts altogether.

This year, our daughter graduated with her master’s degree from Southeastern Seminary. The moment I saw her in cap and gown, walking in with the other graduates, I was so proud, fighting back tears. All of a sudden, I became acutely aware of all it took to get to this point—the reading and writing, the late nights and early mornings, the discipline and stamina, the prayers and tears.

The same thing happened when our son got married, the day he graduated with his ThM, and when we held our granddaughters for the first time. Events like these wrap a whole lot of life into a single moment.

As a father, you’re also aware of the part you played—the late nights and long conversations, the tough questions and tender answers, the prayers and tears. All that goes into cultivating the character and competence it takes to live for Jesus in this broken world comes gift-wrapped in those moments, and you hear your Father say, “Well done.”

In moments like these, steak dinners and international vacations pale in comparison. It turns out that the best gift you can receive for Father’s Day is wrapped up not so much in what they give to you but in what you give to them.

I’ve gotten plenty of things wrong as a father, but here are a few things I learned along the way

1. Take advantage of the “trial runs.”

I learned early on from Dr. Foster Cline (Parenting with Love and Logic) that the toddler years are a trial run for the teen years. Teens are going through the same struggles with identity and independence as toddlers, only this time with hormones and car keys!

Similarly, tutoring them through elementary school banks the relational capital you’ll need for the high school years. “Trial runs” help you and them learn important life lessons while the impact of mistakes matters less.

2. Practice Deuteronomy 6 discipleship.

In Deuteronomy 6:4-9, we learn that the most important lessons in life are learned along the way. Spot the teachable moments. Don’t rescue your children too quickly from the consequences of bad decisions. Let the consequences be the bad guy.

This approach leaves room for you to be the good guy, coaching them through ways they could have done better. And remember, grandparents and church members play an indispensable role here.

3. Find age-appropriate ways to connect.

Sometimes, connection will be quite natural. At other times, you’ll need to get out of your comfort zone.

Music provided a natural connection to our daughter as I played guitar and she sang. We’ve even written a few songs together. Our son and I discovered a mutual interest in birds of prey and volunteered at a local raptor center. He displays our “Docents of the Year” award on a wall in his house to this day.

These connections strengthen your relationship, providing an endless supply of teachable moments and the emotional security to address the tough topics.

4. Initiate tender conversations around tough topics.

Gently probe to find out what they’re struggling with. Help them apply their childlike faith to the increasingly adult-sized challenges. Your kids will learn about the tough topics for good or ill. If you don’t disciple them, someone else will. 

5. Understand your influence.

In survey after survey, one thing remains abundantly clear: you are the most important person with the greatest amount of influence in the life of your children. Don’t use this position for your own advantage; steward this influence for their good. 

6. Love your wife.

A tenuous relationship between mom and dad creates more anxiety in your children than a tenuous relationship between you and your place of work. Their whole world, like yours, could be upended. However, you have more control over your work than they do over your marriage.

By God’s design, their security rests primarily on the quality of your relationship with your wife. Love your wife with the love Christ has for his Church. The greatest gift you can give your children is a godly marriage.

7. Live a life that attracts them to Jesus.

As a father, your life provides the most compelling proof for your children that life is better lived God’s way. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring you to the point that you can say with Jesus, “For their sakes, I sanctify Myself.” (John 17:19) Nothing is more attractive to them than Christ in you.

I’ll take the books, steak on the grill, or the occasional gift card. But I wouldn’t trade anything for my role in making my children who they are today. The best gift I’ve ever received on Father’s Day is wrapped up not so much in what they’ve given me but in what I’ve given them.

As the Senior Consultant for Sending Pathways, Cris Alley helps support the local church in thinking and acting like missionaries.

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