Two Words to Help Navigate Male-Female Relationships in the Church

April 9, 2024 Marie Burrus

Our culture gets a lot wrong about gender[1] and sexuality. From advertisements and product design to the way we label ourselves, it's hard to escape the over-sexualization of modern America.

The messaging sounds something like this:

Men have uncontrollable passions. They can’t help but be predators.
Women love attention. They can’t help but be temptors.
Any close relationship might be sexual—whether cross-gender or even same-gender.
Gender doesn’t matter.
But also gender is everything.

Suddenly, even normal relationships become weighed down with suspicion and innuendo. Add that pressure to the valid concern for sexual virtue, and relating across genders gets complicated.

How the Church Can Do it Better:

In this context, we might find ourselves combing through the chaos to figure out how to interact. Should we completely avoid the opposite sex out of an abundance of caution? Disregard the gender boundaries and roles of previous generations? Erase the idea of gender entirely?

As with any culturally complex issue, we must not overreact with our solutions. Instead, we look to God’s Word, let it form our worldview, and act accordingly.

Biblical language provides clarity in all kinds of relational confusion. The Bible tells us we are made in the image of God—male and female. It tells us we have fallen, and the curse comes with relational strife—especially between men and women. But gloriously, the Bible also tells us that, in Christ, we are made new creations and brought into family together. Specifically, it tells us we are brothers and sisters.

By reclaiming the the biblical understanding of brothers and sisters in Christ, the church can be a picture of healthy community in a relationally-confused world. Here’s how:

1. Sibling relationships come with inherent closeness.

Even in our individualistic society, there’s nothing quite like the sibling bond. Siblings are our best friends—or sometimes our mortal enemies. But no matter what, we love them deeply.

The same is true for my brother and me. Our shared kinship and similar experiences give us an undeniable closeness. He's my original ride-or-die, and I love nothing more than sitting with him, working alongside him, and discussing God, philosophy, and life. On his worst day, I would still take a bullet for him, no questions asked.

[Enjoy a laugh at our fashion evolution]:

During Jesus' life, he began redefining familial relationships in an even more tight-knit familial context than our own. In New Testament culture, family was integral, and kinship came with unique responsibilities. But Jesus shockingly redefined familial roles, emphasizing our spiritual family (Matthew 12:50).

The Apostles carry this language into the Epistles, regularly applying familial terms and responsibility to church family. They frequently imply or directly command affection, responsibility, and care toward one another in the church. For further study, search for the Greek term ἀδελφοί (adelphoi) and its implications for the church.

2. Sibling relationships come with inherent boundaries.

Though closeness will look different for every family and individual, we all agree that sibling relationships should have physical boundaries. Knowing that we’re in the “already” and “not yet” of the fullness of the Kingdom of God, boundaries help us guard against brokenness while relating to one another well. We have healthy physical boundaries with our siblings, but we don't avoid them completely.

The same should be true for our spiritual brothers and sisters. Rather than overemphasizing or ignoring one other's gender, let's put our relationships in place. The thought of having an inappropriate relationship with a brother or sister in Christ should bring the same level of aversion and disgust we feel toward incest.

As Christ helps you know yourself, your weaknesses, and what your interactions communicate in your community, you can begin to make boundaries that make sense for your context. Rather than focusing so much on having a perfected law or set of boundaries, guard your heart by first drawing near to Christ.

If you find yourself tempted toward “incest” within your Christian family, establish boundaries, repent, and trust Christ as you might with an attraction toward a blood sibling. Conversely, if you feel as if your sibling in Christ is acting like a predator or tempter, make boundaries and address the situation accordingly.

God is not surprised by the depth of our sin and brokenness. So, it’s good to acknowledge a problem for what it is instead of ignoring or normalizing it.

3. Brothers and sisters can sharpen one another well.

In healthy families, brothers and sisters care for and challenge one another. I would take a bullet for my brother, but I also wouldn't hesitate to call him out (in love) for being a dufus. As his sister, I have insight into his blind spots and a perspective that can help him see the bigger picture.

In Jesus’ ministry as well as in the early church, we see men and women laboring alongside one another for God’s glory. The diversity of their gifts and the uniqueness of who God made them to be helped build up and support the local body.

I believe partnership across our differences does the same today. When looking to Christ and living in the Holy Spirit, we find clarity and freedom in our interactions as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Instead of fearing our brothers and sisters as potential predators or temptors, let’s be co-laborers in the gospel. May our differences be assets to advance the gospel, and may the way men and women honor and care for one another across our differences speak volumes in a tribalistic and divided age.

The diversity of our perspectives unified in Christ is a beautiful sight to behold and brings God even more glory. So let’s do that. Let’s be even better together.

Union Baptist Association