“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” — C.S. Lewis
For the first time in my life, I don’t fully agree with a C.S. Lewis quote. While friendship gives great value to survival, I also believe that friendship has survival value. The theme song of the show “The Wonder Years” states this idea best when it says, “I get by with a little help from my friends.”
For my friends, others in ministry, and really everyone: You need to learn how to make and keep good friends.
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My life with my friends
Here I am in a new Bible study, full of bright-eyed seminary students, all of whom are about a decade younger than I am. I couldn’t be happier. The energy they bring, the fun, and the different experiences all add up to really great conversations — and friendships.
These and a few others are the guys I catch up with about their marriages, their life trajectories, and how they are following Jesus. We have breakfast, take walks, herd children, have game nights, confess our sins to one another, serve beside one another, counsel one another, and are altogether brothers.
Truth is, most of them will depart to new places full of new people to work in a church, as a missionary, or in some other ministerial capacity. I wrote this for them, for others in ministry, and really for everyone: You need to learn how to make and keep good friends.
Ministry culture is hard, and so is other stuff
Several men and women I know have gone from the local seminary to ministry positions around the states or overseas, only to return to their hometowns later and rejoin the workforce.
For some, health reasons or other sudden hardships motivated the transition. For others, something inside them changed, and they realized accounting or some other vocation was a better fit than ministry.
But some leave the ministry with their tails tucked.
A music pastor and a lead pastor couldn’t see eye-to-eye. A teaching pastor was mistreated by his deacon board, and instead of firing him, they forced him to resign. A woman came on staff only to have her marital fidelity challenged by a sour lady.
My first question is, “Where were their friends during all of that?”
What gets in friendship’s way?
“A friend may be waiting behind a stranger’s face.” — Maya Angelou
Friends would have been an invaluable asset to these folks as they ministered to large congregations or youth groups. They would have helped when the proverbial mess hit the fan and they were asked to leave their ministry positions without warning.
So what is it that most gets in the way of building friendships? It’s us!
Men in particular are slow to let down our guards with one another, and I have a feeling that women are similar. We may have many buddies we hang out with regularly, but we seldom let them see the things lurking beneath: The things we would rather not even know about ourselves!
“The best way to make a friend is by being one—by loving more than needing and by being vulnerable. ”
Why? Competition, yes — there’s always that. We want to be seen and known as better or more important than the next guy. This is pride.
What else? Fear of being rejected, fear of ridicule, fear of having our privacy invaded or our cover blown… “Now everyone will know how much of a fool I really am.” This is fear of man; or, plainly, it’s pride again.
I’d say in my limited experience that this fear is especially true for people in ministry. You may feel like you’re living your life in a “fishbowl,” where you’re constantly watched and scrutinized at every turn. This feeling might keep you wondering if others genuinely care about you or if they just want to use you because of your position.
People are people. Sometimes they hurt one another. So, if you’re uncomfortable befriending another minister in your own immediate context or city, reach out to someone in a similar position in a neighboring town. Make plans with a buddy to meet up monthly for a burger, and if you have to, drive an hour or more to make it happen.
Whether or not you’re in ministry, it can be hard to take the leap. But it’s worth it.
So, how do I get friends?
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
So now you know that friends can be helpful in the midst of hardship, but you still don’t have any friends and don’t know how to make them! What can you do?
Sorry to break it to you, but the best way to make a friend is by being one, by loving more than needing,[1] and by being vulnerable. Guys, drop the tough-guy act; ladies, ditch the pretenses. Find someone you can trust, and let them in!
Learn how to ask good questions. Become an expert in caring for the people around you by knowing what’s going on with them. Serve people. Listen to people’s stories!
My buddy, Paul, has been toying around with the idea of writing extensively about friendship for a long time. He and I have enjoyed quite a few great conversations because of it!
He seems to think that affinities are the best way to meet and make friends — and I don’t totally disagree. Join a rock-climbing club, take up golf, or be a regular at the local coffee shop’s painting night — just be regular somewhere! You will find yourself interacting with the same people over and over again, who have at least one thing in common with you.
But here’s the trick: Don’t let that one thing remain the only thing you have in common.
The great thing about being a Christian is that you automatically have the biggest thing in common with every other believing person — your faith in Jesus. Double that over on itself when you’re a minister meeting other people in ministry… These people likely share a great number of your joys and griefs!
What are you even talking about, Trenton?
“But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.” — Thomas Jefferson
Do you find that the only person in the world you have to talk to is your wife? If that’s true, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that you probably wear her out.
If you’re not even talking to your wife about your life, your work, or your relationship with Jesus, there may be things festering inside you that you don’t have eyes to see yourself.
“Just like you can’t see your own face without a mirror, I’d say you can’t see certain parts of your life without a friend. ”
Just like you can’t see your own face without a mirror, I’d say you can’t see certain parts of your life without a friend. And, guess what? Your friend needs you in the same way.
Everyone is on this path at different places, but the joy of having a friend is that he can tell you where he’s been — both the good and the bad. It also can give you a fuller picture of God.
Have you ever listened to someone speak of her faith and felt the light of Christ welling up inside you? Imagine what that kind of conversation could do for you and for others if you regularly shared your life with friends!
“A sweet friendship refreshes the soul.” — Proverbs 27:9
Books to Read
Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community.
Lewis, C.S. The Four Loves.
Milne, Bruce. We Belong Together.
Trenton Anthony has a Master's in Ethics from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. In his spare time, Trenton writes, makes art, and sings in his church's band. His Christian fantasy trilogy is called The Speaker Trilogy. Besides Jesus, Trenton's greatest loves in life are family, Italian food, and friendship — in no particular order.
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[1] See Ed Welch’s, Running Scared.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Ministry is hard, and so is life in general. Trenton Anthony shows us how and why to make and keep friends.