Some say, "a good friend is hard to find,” and church leaders may feel it's particularly true. But with over 300 diverse churches in our association alone, there should be ample opportunities to connect and build deep relationships with pastors and others involved in ministry.
One great example of pastoral friendship is that of Pastors Parris Patrick and Kevin Rizer—of Agape Community Bible Church and South Belt Church, respectively. What began as a simple invite to discuss race and culture over lunch quickly became a lasting friendship. I'll let them tell you their story.
1. How did you meet? When did you really start to become friends?
KEVIN: I met Parris quite by accident. He was one of the speakers at the celebration for the Union Baptist Association's 175th anniversary in 2015. The church I pastor has been a member of the Association for over 75 years, so I was in attendance.
My congregation was experiencing rapid diversification. Each year, we were looking less “white“ and more like our surrounding community. When I heard Parris speak that night, I heard his heart for the gospel and a passion for all people to know Jesus.
I immediately liked him. His eloquence, his passion, and his offering of hope was exactly what I needed. The next day, I looked him up and sent him an email. It was pretty simple. It was an invitation to lunch with the hopes of building a relationship and gleaning some insight for pastoring a multi-ethnic congregation.
PARRIS: We ended up meeting at Chili’s and having a great conversation about race, culture and how the Kingdom of God on earth is supposed to look. We spoke about our upbringings and how that has impacted our individual viewpoints on dealing with race and multicultural ministry. Our conversation lasted for hours and became the foundation on which our friendship stands now.
KEVIN: The friendship began immediately. Parris was genuine, he was kind, and he was engaging. He was not afraid of my awkwardly-phrased “white pastor“ questions. There is a genuineness about Parris. There is a certain humility about him. He lives with his arms wide open to anyone genuinely interested in Kingdom work.
2. What is unique about your friendship? How would you describe it?
PARRIS: Our friendship is multi-generational and multicultural. Because we're of different races and experiences, we can learn from each other and share how our upbringing has formed our worldview. We both celebrate and affirm that our new identities in Christ have connected us in ways that this world never could have. We are brothers with the unifying mind of Christ who are still able to appreciate our differences.
“We are brothers with the unifying mind of Christ who are still able to appreciate our differences.”
KEVIN: There are many words that describe our friendship—genuine, real, honest, deep, kindred, accountable. I would even say loving. These are the words that make it unique. It is unfortunate that more pastors do not know the value of this type of friendship.
3. What do you love/appreciate about your friend?
KEVIN: Parris is steadfast in his determination to live his life to please the Lord first. In the current upheaval of society and culture, there are many who want their legacy to line up on the “right side of history." My friend Parris lives his life to line up on the “right side of eternity.”
I admire his skills as a preacher. He practices strong biblical hermeneutics and laborers to rightly divide the word of truth—something that I find challenging. He reminds me how to keep my preaching biblically grounded and solid.
I know this sounds simplistic but I appreciate the fact that he returns my phone calls and responds to my texts or emails. He always has. Even before our friendship went deep. With so many pastors in this city, I have reached out to many with the hopes of establishing a relationship—only to be met with silence.
Parris isn't afraid to be vulnerable and share his hurts and his struggles in our times together. He asks for help, prayer, and accountability. He trusts me. That is one of the highest honors I have ever been given.
“Parris isn’t afraid to be vulnerable and share his hurts and his struggles with me. He trusts me.
That is one of the highest honors I have ever been given.”
PARRIS: I appreciate Kevin's honestly. He is one of the few people that I don't doubt his love and care for me, my church, and my family. Of course, I also love and appreciate his love for God and his unending desire to make sure that the multicultural church he pastors reflects the kingdom of God—on Earth as it is in Heaven.
4. How do you encourage, support, challenge, and help one another?
PARRIS: It didn't take long to establish a mutual trust and respect between us. Once that was in place, I was able to share with Kevin the details of the challenges and successes in all aspects of my life—ministerial and personal. In short, he helps hold me to a biblical standard with the true love of God. As the Bible says in Proverbs 27:6, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend."
KEVIN: Parris listens when we talk and encourages my preaching. Some Sundays, he'll text to say he’s praying for God’s power to be on my sermon. He asks about my health, family, church, financial, and marriage issues. He lovingly challenges my lack of “wokeness” and my inherent awkwardness on racial matters.
He lovingly enlightens me to the African-American perspective. When I understand, he congratulates me. When I still can’t see something clearly, he is patient with me until my understanding evolves. When I am ready to give up, he reminds me that God has placed me in a unique situation because I am the man that needs to be here. Parris never lets me make excuses for why someone better should pastor my multi-ethnic congregation.
In turn, I simply want to be present for him, his family, and his ministry. I want him to know that my friendship and support will be a consistent inevitability.
The day of the George Floyd funeral, I invited Parris to my house. We just sat and watched the funeral. We didn’t try to process a whole lot. We just grieved together—No politics. No agenda. No race. Just friends grieving together.
“We just grieved together. No politics. No agenda. No race.
Just friends grieving together.”
5. Why is friendship important for pastors and church leaders?
PARRIS: Many pastors feel alone, not because they actually are alone but because they have no one to share their stresses with. They don't know who can actually relate to them. Not only that, there are also things that pastors go through in ministry life that are challenging to convey to someone who has never been in their shoes. We have personal feelings about those who we are ministering to as well as the problems and issues of everyday life. A real, trusted friendship with another pastor—where there is no judgement, no condemnation, no fakeness—is so valuable.
KEVIN: Pastors carry a burden unlike anyone else I know. No other line of work carries judgement in eternity for how you lead your flock and perform your duties. We are always expected to be holy and rarely allowed to be human.
Every pastor needs a soft place to land. Every pastor needs a friend who will lovingly ask the hard questions and give the hard answers. Every pastor needs an encourager. Every pastor needs a genuine friend.
“A real, trusted friendship with another pastor—where there is no judgement, no condemnation, no fakeness—is so valuable.”
6. What’s the difference in networking and real friendship?
KEVIN: Networking is woefully insufficient for providing deep spiritual and abiding friendships. First, networking is shallow and short-term, and deep relationships are rarely a result.
Networking is often agenda-driven or forced. It is done to grab the name of someone who might be able to help with a problem or a situation. Scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Once you have used your network contact to solve your problem or accomplish your goal, the relationship typically dissipates.
We need to stop making excuses for not having pastoral friends. Pastors need to humbly come to the end of themselves and vulnerably seek connections with other pastors. But we have to decide that honesty, vulnerability, and accountability with a fellow pastor is worth the risk. I always told my children if you want to have friends, you have to learn how to be a friend. Authentic pastoral friendship is a magnificent gift.
PARRIS: People network to see what they can get from someone else and to decide what about another person would be of value to them. A real true friendship focuses on seeing your brother in Christ be healthy, strong, and faithfully serving where he is called. A real friendship—like Kevin and I have—truly concerns itself with what’s best for each other. Nothing would make me happier than for Kevin to have great success, and I know he feels the same about me.
Ministry leaders, let's take the time to reach out to someone else involved in ministry. Find someone who understands where you're coming from and also challenges you to see from a different perspective. We are #BetterTogether—not only in the tasks we can accomplish to advance the gospel but also in the way we encourage and support one another to live it out.
Ministry is hard, and so is life in general. Trenton Anthony shows us how and why to make and keep friends.